Shine On, Sunshine
by starophie
Summary: "You are a part of all of us." A S04E13 post-ep of sorts, eulogizing my one and only. TW for death of a major character.


i.

I didn't know Kenzi that well. Maybe I didn't really know her at all. Bo used to tell me, especially after Inari, that she often felt as though Kenzi kept entire facets of herself secret and separate. I understand that. There was an entire life I had led that I never shared with Bo – but that was my fault. I was afraid, and I was in love…I worried that if I revealed Karen, I could lose Bo forever. I should have trusted her, but I was a coward. Kenzi never was, though. I have a lot of regrets, but one of my biggest is that I never told Kenzi how highly I thought of her. I left off on a bad note from over a year ago, telling her to be helpful for once. I should have known that she would take it to heart.

ii.

My darling granddaughter. My urchin. My Kenzi. If you had told me, when I was still King Fitzpatrick McCorrigan of Clan Fin Arvin, Writer of the Blood Laws, that I would one day find myself at the beck and call of a human girl-child, I would have laughed in your face – and then had you sentenced to death. But alas, that prophecy came to pass, and the day Kenzi walked into my granddaughter's life, she unknowingly walked into mine. Too often this world took her for granted, and I unfortunately was a party to that more times than I care to admit. But no matter how hard I protested, there she was, forcing her way into a corner of my soul that hadn't been touched since my first Isabeau. Kenzi was vibrancy, and revelry, and all things messy and improper. But she was family, and even I must admit that sometimes, that's all the reason one needs.

iii.

In my last life, I never paid Kenzi much mind. Certainly, I noticed her – who wouldn't, with that hair, and those shoes, and her plethora of swag? But honestly, the only time I ever truly saw her was when Bo and Dyson and I rescued her from Inari's cave. I wrote her off as a weak, defenseless human. And then, I was the one who was weak and defenseless. I was a child, and she took me in without hesitation. She was scared for Bo, scared for her own life – but she put my needs above her own. She was a _mom_, something I had never really had before. And as I grew, so did we grow together. We became friends, sisters even – maybe not like her and Bo, but then, who could ever compare to Bo? I finally understood what Bo meant when she told me that Kenzi was her heart. She was…Kenzi was _everything_.

iv.

I remember the very first time I saw her. She was walking alongside Bo, head wrapped in a green bandana and chattering away about something so quickly that even I couldn't decipher what she was saying. Of course, my mission then was Bo, and I had to sacrifice Kenzi to complete my objective. But that didn't stop her from figuring out where we were and crashing Bo's little competition. I had never seen a human put up such fight, and not just because most humans I interact with are already dead. There was something more to Kenzi – a spark, a life that burned brighter than anything I had ever seen. She made me stand up and take notice. And there was more to our relationship than just best friend and boyfriend. She challenged me, and I was most certainly unused to being challenged. She acted as if she and I were no different. And maybe we weren't. Maybe we were just the same. We both would do anything for our clan, especially Bo, and we do not run when afraid. Perhaps because I have been inside of her, and she inside me, we understood each other in a way few people experience. She was brilliant, intuitive – she ferretted out information and secrets that I had kept close to the vest for centuries. And I knew things about her, too. I never told her I knew what her stepfather was like, or what her mother had done to her, because I figured if she had wanted someone to know she'd have told Bo or Hale. But even though she didn't need me to, I tried to watch over her, keep her safe. I just wish that, in the end, it had been enough.

v.

What words could I use to even begin to encompass Kenzi? _My_ Kenzi, _my _sister, _my_ best friend. _My_ heart. When I met her, I was on the run. I was scared and confused and completely alone, and I preferred it that way. And then Kenzi – sweet, stubborn, perfect Kenzi – had the nerve to wiggle her scrawny little butt into my life, planting herself there and refusing to move. As if I could've ever said no to her, even when I barely knew her. There was something about her eyes…she could get me to do anything by letting those big baby blues catch the light. She had me wrapped around her little finger, and she knew it. But the funny thing was that I didn't mind, not at all. I spent so many years trying to take care of myself, all the while telling myself that I was garbage. For someone who can get basically anyone to do basically anything with a stroke of my hand, I had the worst self-esteem. And then Kenzi happened along, acting as though one comes across a chi-sucking Succubus every day. I took care of her, sure – I kept her fed and gave her a bedroom and allowance for her killer wardrobe. But she took care of me, too. She taught me to embrace myself, embrace my powers – she taught me what love _truly_ means. Love isn't just about sex. Love is fighting over the last slice of pizza, and drinking merlot and watching crappy horror movies on Saturday nights, and running fingers through your sister's hair as she cries herself to sleep. Love is sacrifice, and Kenzi was mine. Kenzi gave her life to save the world. To save _me_. And I wish I had gotten to tell her that I loved her, just one last time. Because I do. I love Kenzi more than I have ever loved anything – she was my heart. And now she's gone.

* * *

so this may well be complete shit, because i wrote it in about fifteen minutes and i started to cry halfway through. but i need to write it and if it helps anyone, so much the better. love to you all.

p.s. remember to keep tweeting showcasedotca for a season five confirmation – it's likely, but not a given, so let's not give up!


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